http://www.thanksno.com/

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Basically the concept is that when we are growing up we start to observe things around us and pass through various stages, the most important of which in my opinion is the 0-7 years stage which is the Imprint period where we are constantly observing everything that happens around us and forming a number of rules about all things in life.

Obviously the imprints in our mind at this stage are very much influenced by our family as most of the input we get is from them. After this stage we go into the Modeling period (age 7-14) where we start taking stock of what we know and create heros based on our previous experience. I believe that in this phase we try to find heros in music stars, tv stars or other persons, always based on our previous life experience and the feelings it has left in us.

The third stage is the Socialisation period (14-21) during which we open up to more influence through regular contact with our group of friends. This stage is also very important as we start moving out from the family circle and into the real life through interaction with others and trying new experiences. The last stage is the Business persona stage (21-35) where we make the step into the working world and usually undergo considerable changes also in this phase as we adjust to our new realities. Therefore all these stages are what forms our current way of feeling about ourselves and behaving with others.

Now if we want to change something in ourselves which we are not happy about, first of all we must realise that we are what we believe we are, i.e. whether you believe you CAN or you CAN’T do something, you are right! Our beliefs are what limit our potential. Thus the way to change something in yourself is as following:

1. Define the behaviour you want to change (write it down on a piece of paper) e.g. I don’t know how to make people laugh
2. Reword that behaviour into a belief e.g. I am not funny
3. Look back into the past and try to identify specific events which have instilled this belief in you e.g. Making a joke in front of the whole class and everybody made fun of you
Realise that these events are making you believe that you are not funny and don’t know how to make people laugh, thus if you rationalise the events and deal with them then you will have a clean slate on which to form new beliefs, which will in turn lead you to change your behaviour.

That’s it, the main concept therefore as I said in the beginning is that we are what we believe we are, so if we change what we believe then we will change ourselves and our behaviour.

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“When you’re learning about people’s strategies to understand how they make a decision, you also need to know their main representational system so you can present your message in a way that gets through” Anthony Robbins

Here is a description of the four representational systems. Further down you can also find a link to a test which will help you identify your preferred system. Want to take the representational systems test immediately? Click here!

V:Visual

People who are visual often stand or sit with their heads and/or bodies erect, with their eyes up. They will be breathing from the top of their lungs. They often sit forward in their chair and tend to be organized, neat, well-groomed and orderly. They memorize by seeing pictures, and are less distracted by noise. They often have trouble remembering verbal instructions because their midns tend to wander. A visual person will be interested in how your product LOOKS. Appearances are important to them. They are often thin and wiry.

A: Auditory

People who are auditory will move their eyes sideways. They breathe from the middle of their chest. They tipically talk to themselves, and are easily distracted by noise (some even move their lips when they talk to themselves). They can repeat things back to you easily, they learn by listening, and usually like music and talking on the phone. They memorize by steps, procedures, and sequences (sequentially). The auditory person likes to be TOLD how they’re doing, and responds to a certain tone of voice or set of words. They will be intersted in what you have to say about your product.

K: Kinesthetic

People who are kinesthetic will typically be breathing from the bottom of their lungs, so you’ll see their stomach go in and out when they breathe. They often move and talk very slowly. They respond to physical rewards, and touching. They also stand closer to people than a visual person. They memorise by doing or walking though something. They will be interested in your product if it “feels right”.

AD: Auditory Digital

This person will spend a fair amount of time talking to themselves. They will want to know if your product “makes sense”. The auditory digital person can exhibit characteristics of the other major representational systems. AD people prefer logic, facts and thoughts to feelings. They often have conversations going on inside their heads, and can sometimnes have difficult sleeping because they can’t switch off at the end of the day. AD people like to think things through, and make sense of the world with logic, facts and figures. They can sometimes be oblivious to their physical comfort or discomfort, as they often think about how they feel rather than just feeling it. Sometimes they may confuse a conversation they had in their mind with an actual conversation, which can get them in trouble! Approximately 10% oif the population are Auditory Digital.

Are you ready to discover your preferred representational system? Take the representational test now!

How to practice what you’ve learnt

Your exercise this month is to pick a significant person in your life and listen to the types of words they use. You will notice they will probably use all types of the visual, auditory and kinesthetic words…but one type will usually predominate. Then practice translating your language to their system.

If they say “I don’t see your point,” don’t say “Let me repeat it,” instead say “Let me show you what I mean.”

If they say “What you’re suggesting doesn’t feel right to me,” don’t say “Take a different view,” instead say “Let’s touch upon the points another way.”

If they say “I’ve tuned you out,” don’t say “You’re insensitive,” instead say “Lets talk it over.”

Then practice with other people you know, and listen to conversations on radio or television to develop your skills. Eventually you will find yourself doing it automatically. Become aware of how other people think, become flexible in how you respond, and develop excellent communication skills.

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Principle No. 1 – Liking
People like those who are like them and who create bonds with them. It is important to create early bonds with new acquaintances by informally discovering common interests. This will make them more comfortable and increase their willingness to trust you. Praising other people will also generate more willing compliance.

Principle No. 2 – Reciprocity
People repay in kind, therefore you should develop a habit of giving what you want to receive. Help someone in need and it will be much more likely that he will help you back later.

Principle No. 3 – Social Proof
People follow the lead of similar others. Harness the power of peer power by getting one person from a group to approve your new initiative, the others will most likely follow.

Principle No. 4 – Consistency
People fulfill written, public, and voluntary commitments. Get things down in writing and publicise commitments, then it is more likely that people will fulfill those commitments.

Principle No. 5 – Authority
People believe experts who provide shortcuts to decisions requiring specialised information. The key here is to establish your expertise beforehand by for example describing how you solved a problem similar to the one at hand, or talking about your qualifications and experience, without being boastful.

Principle No. 6 – Scarcity
People value what’s scarce. This is a fact that can be observed in all areas of human behaviour eg. relationships, buying trends etc. You can also use it to your advantage by using exclusive information to persuade. Arouse their curiosity and attention by offering them something nobody knows about eg. “Very few people have heard about this technique…”

Apply these 6 principles in your relationships and you will see that your persuasion power will be better than ever before!

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Love is not love until it hurts
for it is only in forgiveness that
it proves itself.
But how can pain, pride,
anger and tears possibly
be part of loving?

Sometimes the battle seems
too much for us and the vision
of love we once held so dear
seems unobtainable.
Perhaps the foundation stone
beneath all the conflicting emotions
is the genuine desire to love
not to be wholly content
with things as they are

For this is not the whole story
Somewhere, somehow, one day
we shall find the pain and joy
fitting together at last into a
pattern. And we shall say
‘Yes we were not mistaken
this is love – and it is glorious!’

Then we shall be able to see the pain
as part of the whole process
and not give up on loving
because we think it is joy only.

Really beautiful words, unfortunately I don’t know its author, maybe some of you might have come across it somewhere and can tell me who wrote it. It is worth reading once or twice and reflecting on its message…

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For me and others who feel the same way, it clearly means that we have to start being less shy, more spontaneous and having a ‘Just Do It’ attitude. After all, even if things do not turn out as planned, it’s an occasion to get feedback and learn something useful for the future.

Now in order to empower ourselves in order to start taking action on whatever the problems/opportunities are, we need to step up our belief system and get rid of all the negative beliefs we have about ourselves, such as ‘I’m not a good talker, I’m not so attractive etc.’. I’ll go ino more detail on believe systems later on, however the basic principle is that most of us have alot of limiting beliefs which we need to analyse and eliminate as they are holding us back from achieving our full potential.

We also have to consider the Cause>Effect principle. It is important to be aware of whether we live our life at cause or at effect. It is quite rare to find someone who always lives his or her life at cause, indeed far too many of us live a large portion of our lives at effect — responding to the whims, desires or emotional states of others.

Being at cause means that you are decisive in creating what you want in life and taking responsibility for what you have achieved or will achieve. You see the world as a place of opportunity and you move towards achieving what you desire. If things are not unfolding as you would like, you take action and explore other possibilities. Above all, you know you have choice in what you do and how you react to people and events.

If you are at effect you may blame others or circumstances for your bad moods or for what you have not achieved or for your life in general. You may feel powerless or depend on others in order for you to feel good about yourself or about life — If only my spouse, my boss, my coworkers, my parents, my children, … understood me and helped me achieve my dreams or did what I wanted or what is best for me, then life would be great. If you wait and hope for things to be different or for others to provide, then you are at effect or a victim of circumstances. And really, how much fun is that? And how much fun do you think it is for others to be around you? Believing that someone else is responsible or making them responsible for your happiness or your different moods is very limiting and gives this person some mystical power over you, which can cause you a great deal of anguish.

Being at cause means you have choices in your life — you can choose what is best for you while ensuring the choice is ecological for those around you, those in your community and your society. That is, you consider the consequences of your actions on others, while not taking responsibility for their emotional well-being — believing you are responsible for the emotional well-being of someone else places a heavy burden on you and can cause a great deal of stress.

Those who live their lives at effect often see themselves or live their lives as victims with no choices whatsoever. The irony is that they do have choice and they have chosen not to choose but to be responsive to whatever is given to them.

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1. Whatzit technique
   A whatzit is any object that the other person is wearing which is a bit strange or interesting. So look for such things and then just go up to the person and ask “I like this, what is it?” or “What an interesting piece of jewellery, where did you get that from?”. Chances are the other person will be happy you asked about it and will gladly start a conversation with you. You should also wear a whatzit to draw people’s attention and give them something that inspires them to talk to you.
2. Whoozat technique
   Another great technique is one that is frequently used politicians. Ain’t it funny how these guys always seem to know so many people. Well one of the main techniques they used is in fact the whoozat technique. Let’s say that you are at a party and you only know a few people. These few people that you know probably know alot of others that you don’t know yet. So just go to one of your friends and say “That man/woman over there looks interesting. Who is he/she?”. Your friend will probably say something along the lines of “Oh that’s Francesca, she’s really nice and she’s really into sports”. So there, you’ve just been given the icebreaker you need, now all you have to do is go up to Francesca and say “Hi, you’re Francesca, aren’t you? James was just telling me how good you are at sports. Do you have a preferred sport?”. That’s the idea.
3. Eavesdrop in technique
   Ok so let’s say that the person you want to talk to is not wearing any whatzit, and none of your friends happen to know him/her. Furthermore the person is engaged in conversation with some others, so you would think that the situation’s hopeless. Not so, there is always the useful eavesdrop technique you can use. Just stand in the vicinity of the group and when you hear something you can comment on just say “Excuse me, I just heard you talking about Rome, I’m going there next month, any suggestions?”. That’s it, you’re in the group now

There they are, three top techniques that will get you talking in no time at all. Also remember to match the mood of the other person in the opening phase of the conversation. If a person looks tired don’t go happily shouting and full of body movements, likewise if a person is really in a great energetic mood you won’t score any points if you talk with a boring voice and tired look. If you ever want to bring people around to your thoughts, you must match their mood and voice tone, if only for a moment.

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